The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
