just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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