My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
