Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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