My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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