ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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