the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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