why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
