well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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