His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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