i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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