here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Randomize
