anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Still dying that you shit outside
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
