he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
