god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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