my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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