apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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