whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
