i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
