Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
