Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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