Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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