i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
