I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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