Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
