my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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