Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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