Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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