As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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