Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
