It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
