Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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