I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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