did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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