I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
