so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
