All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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