Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
