Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
