Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
