new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
