Non-Jews are for practice
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
