Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i would punch a child for taco bell
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
