i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
