I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
