i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
