i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
