Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
