my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
