you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
