guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
